ventilation is pertinent !!!

He's gone.......

2010-04-15T06:48:00.002-03:00

Yesterday was the day....it has been coming for a bit now. Surprisingly i felt more comfort and peace last night than i have in months. The saying "You can sometimes feel more alone in a relationship than you do when you are not in one", somehow makes sense now. My children are reeling, but i am strong. They will now have all their needs met and not have to watch their father self destruct on the end of the couch every night. My son has been displaying aggressive behavior at school, and has been suspended twice in the past month which was very uncommon for him. The guidance counselor told me that he is having a hard time coping since his dad came home from training, because he is so different. He told me, that he couldn't say anything because he felt guilty knowing his dad had a hard time out there. That did it for me, it broke my heart, then the resistance of not wanting to get help, or talk with me. Always shutting me down or out....The "i don't love you anymore", was taking it's tole, "we don't have anything in common", "i can't open up to you", " i know i am the problem", All these things on top of the drinking, has hardened me, i don't even want him back in this house right now, i am not sad, i am not angry...i am for now relieved.....

Transformation.......

2010-03-27T09:21:00.003-03:00

Wow, it's been a while since i have felt like writing. The past couple months have been extremely overwhelming. I am learning lot's of new things on a positive note, building a stronger me. I have now learned the hard way of course(is there any other way?) i cannot control anyone,situation, or thing, but myself. Focusing on someone elses issues does not get you anywhere. I still don't know where i stand when it comes to my relationship, hubby is still consumed by something, not much in the way of progress figuring him out, but i have turned my attention to my actions,or reactions.This seems to be the only way i can see any light at the end of the tunnel. I feel less panic now, less sad, although i have had a couple of anger issues, broke a couple things, there i said it, and i don't care who knows it, LOL. He still tries to stifle me showing any emotion around him, but you know what? TOO F#$%ing bad for him, i now feel when i want to feel, cry when i want to cry. He has told me several times that we no longer have anything in common, he does not know if he can ever fulfill my needs, or be like he was before. There was a new officer that started there , a female, young and full of the same passion he has......yes i am a bit intimidated, he seems to have made 2 categories in life , officers and them, i being one of them. It is like he lives on a completely different level than everyone else except for the people at work.I have read a great deal on this subject, and try my best to understand the bond between the officers, i am all for it and believe it is imperative to his career, i just wish he would let me in on some level....i feel like an outsider.

2009-12-27T09:37:00.002-04:00

Sunday morning quote...

2009-11-29T08:39:00.000-04:00

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.
Buddha

Thank the universe........

2009-11-26T06:56:00.001-04:00

So hubby got his call yesterday, he will be working by next week!!!..This hopefully will change the atmosphere around here, and just in time. It seems like situations change so quickly now.....it makes my head spin. I am happy

Bulletproof

2009-11-25T06:53:00.000-04:00

The straw that broke the camels back......

2009-11-25T05:39:00.002-04:00

So yesterday went from bad to worse, after a day of exhausting effort on my part trying to fulfill his needs, make him feel loved and cared for, cleaning this and that to make him more comfortable...I lost my temper by the washing machine, i have to admit it felt good to release a lot of pent up emotion, maybe it was wrong but i didn't cry......just yelled and slammed to cover. I screamed out "i can't take this shit anymore, if you don't love me anymore, get the hell out of my house!!!", first time i yelled like that in a long time, i felt guilty, but i am at my wits end , talking produces no results, just a stare down or he gets up and leaves the conversation. I prepared the spare room so i could sleep in there, he got upset with that and said something to the effect of, "you have to make things difficult eh?". I just can't.......i get along pretty well...then it just seems to get me...I am thinking of seeking help, he would never agree to this, so i will have to go alone...I am loosing my relationship.....

Brian Wilson........

2009-11-24T10:32:00.002-04:00

So it's 10:32 am and i am already exhausted, trying to find things for Brian Wilson(hubby) to do, hopefully it keeps him out of bed for a bit.......He called the station yesterday and they told him things are moving forward, hopefully we hear by Wednesday. I feel very strong and confident today. Woooohoooo!! I am getting excited to see my family for christmas.....MMMMmmmmm....food!! LOL.....got a not so busy salon day, i am kind of glad, the week before Christmas's is already over booked.....So i will rest now.......
Report cards came out yesterday, and it's that same thing, my 14 year old achieved honors and her 11 year old brother continues to struggle.....He is soooo creatively intelligent, but lacks ambition when it comes to academics, it's double edged sword, i keep telling him that not everyone is intelligent in the same way, and just because his smarts lie in a different area does not make him any less of a person. He amazes me everyday.........I try to make him understand that what makes him uncomfortable and sets him apart NOW from the other children will help him be successful when he is older......

GROSSSSSSSS..........

2009-11-24T07:26:00.000-04:00

Ok people, this is the thing, you know how men are like, women are bad drivers, they put on make-up,talk on the phone and so on......Well this morning i witnessed something which is not uncommon i see it all the time, some guy in his big ole truck, hair all done nice, got his good clothes on, and he is freakin pickin his nose!!!! How can that not be worse than anything, at least when we are puttin make-up on we are beautifin the world, and if we are on the phone it's because you called to bitch about something or it 's the kids needin something. Do you think we can't see you in that big ole "need to buy it big to compensate for my small package " truck?We see you all right, and you are the ones causing the accidents, we are gaggin and traumatized , and end up smashin into something!! So guys it's not cool to pick your nose in your vehicle get an F'in Kleenex, cause i don't want to know where you are putting it once you find what you are diggin for. UGH!!!

LOL.......

2009-11-23T07:28:00.001-04:00

2009-11-23T07:25:00.001-04:00

Sunday Morning.......

2009-11-22T10:20:00.002-04:00

I just got out of the shower, while i was in there i was reflecting on my new hobby of blogging and feeling guilty. I feel guilty because my post almost always consists of a rant one way or another. I have decided to balance out my posts by still ranting when needed but adding one positive event that happened during the day, this will help me focus on the positives that still remain, and let me know how lucky i am......lol. I find myself running to the computer between every client to read any new posts, it seems less lonely here in the cyber world.....
He still hasn't heard word on the new job, which i know is the cause for the huge tension in the house. Switching from a federal organization to a municipal isn't as easy as one may think. There is a lot of red tape and politics. He worked as a medic for 10 years before deciding to go to training, so i already am used to some of the work related stresses, shift work, missing special events, dealing with some pretty gruesome stories, i thought i would be prepared a bit better......lol, i guess not.
Positive note: It's beautifull here for november, there is no snow(probably just jinxed myself) the sun is shining. I woke up to a pot of freshly brewed coffee!!! Way to go hubby!!! My mom is coming for christmas. Hoping all my cyber sisters have an awesome day!!!

Good Saturday Morning!!!!

2009-11-21T09:05:00.000-04:00

MySpace Comments - MySpace Layouts - Photobucket

Daily complaint.......

2009-11-20T09:01:00.002-04:00

I hope someday my blog posts will consist of everyday routine happenings, with ultra positive undertones....lol. Today is not one of those days, my roller coaster of emotions have me paranoid and insecure . I long for pre-training days, where i was a wife, a best friend and a everyday errands companion. Days when i was asked if i had a space where we could go for a coffee or drive, days when i was included from the moment he woke up to minute before he went to sleep, loving hugs and kisses, a quick tap on the butt, a confidence boosting compliment. How am i expected to just accept it just isn't that way anymore? I know...i know.....acceptance is the key.....i know..i have to be selfless, confident , independant , patient and understanding. I have no idea what he did for 6 months, all i know is he came home acting like he was eighteen with no responsibilty, and i am just the old lady who looks after things here. Mind you i take very good care of myself, in my line of work it is essential i dress to the nines, have my make-up,nails and hair done, keep myself in good shape......But i don't act the part of a diva, just look it, in a classy sort of way. I am not someone whom he can't be proud of, i know how to interact in public, i do my best as a mom, clean the house, cook, i know how to drink a cold beer and enjoy it, i have done my absolute best at trying not to nag or harp. What is the problem????........i feel so rejected, like he does not..........love me anymore....**sigh**
I feel so immature, i have this gut feeling about something, that will not go away.......I push it away all the time, but i think i know better......I keep telling myself to move on, move ahead, but am i really capable of such a thing????

Laugh for the day.........

2009-11-20T07:29:00.002-04:00

Waiting game.......

2009-11-19T09:29:00.002-04:00

So the language interview went well yesterday, it was informal, but other friends on the force said he shouldn't worry. I hope this means we will be able to get on with our lives. His decision to switch forces has left us behind on most of our monetary obligations, i have been trying to hold up the fort with my income which has been hard. Male pride should be abolished in relationships, i think that it makes everything ten times more difficult.
Atleast he is home and coming down off the training spiral.......jeepers crimeny!!!! I get to keep my business, my home, the kids their friends and grandparents, i should stop complaining......It just has been a long 7 months, i always hid any trouble or feelings from him while he was away in training, the academy was four thousand miles away, so we didn't get to see one another the whole time. Reading the book "cops don't cry", really helped......I find myslef highlighting specific passages and reading them over and over, even making a mantra up sometimes...lol....i am crazy!!!

He's home now.....or is he?

2009-11-18T09:36:00.002-04:00

So 7 months of separation and strict training has sent me home the wrong man, i don't know how they unraveled 13 years of my hard work in 6 months but they did......and to make matters worse i agreed to this......Does that make this my fault? Maybe i am the crazy one? Everything was going to be so perfect.....I think we should be given classes while they are away, or some kind of miracle pill that will lapse us into some kind of instant acceptance brain wave. Just like the "stepford"wives.....I am begining to think i should become one.....it might be easier than this!!! **SIGH***

OMG....lonely.....

2009-10-24T08:02:00.003-03:00

Well it's a month since i seen my hubby, i thought at this point we would be together, and working towards our new life.......i was wrong......I can't seem to get any straight answers from him, everybody and their dog wants to know when i am moving, and it gets complicated when i tell them i don't know........When they ask me whats going on....i say i honestly don't know.....That stirs the pot with allot of people...."What do you mean you don't know?"...."How could you not know?". I now decided to write a list of my current daily emotional feelings. Hurt, rejected, alone, confused, insecure,angry, hopeless,out of control, dumb,suspicious, worthless, crazy, did i say lonely yet?...I am going to visit him next week and i am terrified.......I don't know what to expect, i have been treated like some dumb ass on the street, and don't think i could handle another rejection......To top it off the thing that most hurts me is watching the kids struggle without their dad and have little coping skills to understand any of this........Everyday that passes, feels like forever........These kids need a stable life, that we promised them.....

Assiniboia Blues.......

2009-08-15T08:25:00.002-03:00

So it's saturday, I have been going over the move miunte after minute in my mind, when i think of this little town which has more churches than clothing stores, the movie footloose keeps flashing in my brain. I keep picturing my spirit , a little ole raisin in the sun, hour after hour , it gets smaller and dryer untill poof, it turns to dust!!! My boy is excited, he will love this new place, a place where he exsists, a place where he will have an identity, for this i am thankul , one positive down, one hundred to find.....My social butterly girly on the other hand is having a rough time coping with thoughts of this tiny speck on the map.She has a million and one questions i can't answer, all she knows right now, is that her father has changed, she hears it in his voice on the phone, "is he going to be mean mom?", she feels so insecure about this, as a good mom i try to reassure her, but she is too damn smart, she can see my fear and doubt as much as i try to wear that see through mask. All she knows is that in a couple months time she will be torn from the only life she has ever known, the life she trusts,she has her place, knows who she is, where she stands......I can feel her heavy heart, i want so much to remove this burden from her shoulders.....but how? I know in time she will settle make new friends , but her mind can't grasp the concept of this yet.....
My man on the other hand has not been able to help, i understand this.....he is busy trying to finish what he started, he has told me he has no time to look toward the future, he has to live in the now, and focus on his training, like i said i understand, but not being able to discuss the future with your best friend, your rock, your sounding board has been like trying to swallow a beachball........He is different.....my only hope is that some of the man that i know and love is still in there......

Just tryin to get in the groove....

2009-08-14T05:23:00.002-03:00

Last night he didn't call, that has happened a couple times.....but it always seems to happen , when you want to talk the most...It's 5:23am, i have a wedding that i have to do the hair for in a couple hours...So yesterday i found out where we are going to be living...Assiniboia...which i am sure is fine for people raised there....i however was not....This is turning out to be a true test, of every aspect of our lives......I know i am not made of rock, as the old saying goes...I am so torn on this, one minute i feel as though for him i could conquer anything, and everything will be fine....The next minute i am questioning if this is not a sign that we are not meant to be together.......Test or sign? That has now become the question.....There is evidence for either side, most times i would listen to my gut, the gut never lies you know....My gut has turned against me in the last 5 months, leaving me to use my heart and head for direction, there has been some positive turn of events with this change, mind you.....But the head and heart do lie.....they can be blinded, persuaded and feelings are much more upredictable than gut instinct.......

The past 5 months.....

2009-08-13T07:15:00.001-03:00

What can i say.....the last 5 months have been wonderful......yeah ok, maybe i am cherry toppin a little. I could maybe explain it as this, you go to a huge theme park, all excited...you are led to the biggest roller coaster, the name (depths of hell)...but you ignore that because it's so shiny and there a gazillion flashing lights and it looks exhilarating.Your best friend has wanted to ride this thing all his life and you promised to get on with him.....So you are standing in line nervous,queasy, and excited all at the same time, your best friend is so focused on getting on, that, he does not notice your wildly changing thoughts and fears.Nor can he concentrate on guiding you through this. You try to calm yourself with (people do this everyday, think positive, you only live once), the group behind you sees your apprehension and tell you (this is gonna be sooo fun, you will see) All the while you feel like round housing them,pulling out your hair while running and screaming "you don't fully get it". So now we are at the point that we are next in line, the carni guy (whom smells like cabbage by the way) tells you your safety harness is broken, WTF? But your best friend looks at you and says "but we have waited six hours in this line,we can't turn back now". So you know he is right and cabbage guy says people have been ridin all day , no one fell out.....So you are gonna go, all the while, you damn well know the risks and what this could mean or your sanity........to be contd